I know, my brothers, that you have been waiting to viddy a real like horrorshow tale of my adventures from this weekend past. Well, you shall have to wait just a malenky bit longer. (That's enough of the Clockwork Orange lingo which is, by the way, a kick ass book.)

Anyway, today began like any other. I left my quaint little apartment in the suburb of Montrose and headed downstairs to my pristine VW Jetta to experience the wonders of Fahrfugnugen for yet another day. Little did I know what a terrible day it would become.

I headed south on the Glendale Freeway, taking my normal exit at Glendale Blvd., and then headed east on Alvarado. I turned right on Temple and left again on Rampart, following my usual routine. I was driving happily along, enjoying the outrageous hijinks of Kevin and Bean. Suddenly, to my wondering eyes, a small Asian man in a mid-1980's Nissan P.O.S. drove through a stop sign. Before I was aware of what was going on, the front end of my heretofore beautiful and shiny car slammed into his driver's side. Instantly, the airbags deployed, providing me with a bloody nose and filling the car with a foul scent, the likes of which I'd never known.

With a stream of vulgarity spewing from my mouth, I sprang from the car and rushed over to the poor frightened little Asian man. After seeing the look of abject terror on his face, I calmed down and, through gritted teeth, asked him if he was ok. He spoke no English, but seemed to understand that I was inquiring as to his well-being. I noticed that he was accompanied by a woman whom I assumed to be his wife.

Given the type of neighborhood in which we were currently located, I did not expect there to be a flood of police cars rushing to the scene. This was Rampart, for crying out loud...where cops only show up when some poor minority needs to be abused or have drugs planted in their home. While there were no cop cars, there was no shortage of good folks who had seen nothing but were offering to testify that they had, for the right price. Soon, I was descended upon by every manner of untrustworthy body shop owners who were offering to tow my car to their shop. Needless to say, I wanted no part of it. I politely refused their advances (after using one of their cell phones to call work, that is).

Fortunately for me, a kind, trustworthy tow truck driver happened upon the scene and offered to tow me to a reputable body shop on La Brea Avenue, two blocks north of Wilshire. After exchanging insurance information with the poor Asian man, who was now grimacing in pain, I climbed into the tow truck and headed off to the body shop. I was not too happy with the information that the other driver had given me, as he was insured by "Danny's Insurance Services." There's a real winner, I'm sure.

When I arrived at Vozz Coachworks on La Brea, I met with the owner and called my insurance company. I requested a rental car and, within three minutes (while still giving my statement to the adjuster) Enterprise Rent-A-Car had contacted the shop saying they had a car for me. Damn, I love my insurance company. Although, I'll have to look into switching to Danny's.

After getting everything squared away at the body shop, I hiked over to Enterprise, which was just a few doors down. My insurance company will pay 30 dollars a day, which usually means some Geo Metro or something like that. However, when the guy pointed out the cars I could choose from, within the price range, I selected a Camry. He went to get it for me, then came back and said it was in need of an oil change but, if I really wanted a Toyota, then I could have the Solara for no extra cost. So, I took that. I then drove off in my rental car, complete with CD player and so on, that would normally cost about 50 dollars a day, but I get to drive it for free until my poor poor car is repaired.

By the time I got into work, there was already a message from my insurance adjuster saying that he had already spoken with Danny of Danny's Insurance Services. He told me that the nice Asian man had assumed full responsibility for the accident...which is good, because I wasn't willing to pay off any of those "witnesses".

So, I'm at work now and am going to stay until 2:30...just long enough to deal with the things that really need to be dealt with. Then, I am going to go to the doctor and get checked out. I guess I should just go to the emergency room, but I'm not sure which one. And so, my friends...that is the story of my day so far. At least it gave me something to write about.