Lifesaver

If you had suddenly fallen unconscious around me at this time last week, you would have been in a very bad situation. I would not have had the slightest idea about the proper manner in which to save your life. I would have panicked, screamed, and more than likely wet myself as I searched frantically for somebody who could revive you. I'm proud to say, however, that you would be much better off if it were to happen right now.

One of the many hoops through which I am required to jump in order to be able to apply for my credential is the completion of a four and a half hour CPR course offered by the American Red Cross. When I first signed up, I was somewhat skeptical that I would be able to learn any actual useful information in such a short time. You can all rest easy, however. If I were ever called upon to save your life, I now possess a certificate that says I know how to do so.

The course, which took place last Wednesday night, consisted of lecture, videos, and hands-on practice. The lecture and videos taught me that repeatedly slapping the unconscious person while demanding that they "Breathe, damn it! Breathe!" is actually not an effective means of saving somebody's life. Sadly, the hands-on portion of the evening did not involve the resuscitation of scantily clad models. Instead, the floor of the classroom was littered with several mannequins, all of whom were missing their arms and legs. After pausing briefly to ponder what horrible accident could have taken place to sever the extremities of that many people, I set about attempting to save the life of my mannequin so that he could spend the remainder of his days cursing the cruel fates that had left him limbless and dependent upon the services of a helper monkey. I was able to save him- but I can't help feeling that my actions were somehow contrary to the natural order.

The evening ended with a written test, which was quite simple. I was able to score 100%, although I admittedly guessed on number seven. After I completed the test, I was given my card and strolled confidently out of the building, almost hoping to see an unconscious person lying face down in the middle of the street.

Over the last week, I have been reviewing the steps in my head and have been constantly on the lookout for unconscious individuals. Not that I actually WANT to use the training. In fact, I'm almost certain that all of the information would instantly vanish from my head in an emergency situation. But, regardless...even if I am able to recall all of the proper steps...I feel sorry for somebody who is in a situation in which I am his or her best opportunity for survival. Especially if I ever have to do whatever number seven was.